The Quiet Canine and the Muddy Photographer

I have, regrettably, had dealings with Pugs before. My previous encounters call them professional skirmishes, if you like had led me to a simple, unshakeable conclusion: the Pug, as a breed, is essentially a fleshy, perambulating loudspeaker, forever dialled up to eleven. Much like my own Dachshund, that short legged tyrant who seems to view silence as a personal affront, they invariably have a great deal to say and an almost pathological desire to express it at maximum decibel levels, repeatedly, until your eardrums surrender.

Quinn, however, was a curious, almost unsettling anomaly. He was; to use a phrase I never expected to apply to a small dog, akin to a Buddhist monk who had taken a particularly solemn vow of Noble Silence. It was as if his owner had located the master Mute button on the dog's operating system, pressed it with surgical precision, and then, just to be safe, gone and hidden the remote under a rather large rock. The quiet was disconcerting.

The job, as it so often does, required me to become a creature of the night. Or at least, the very early morning. We had to meet before the sensible, day shift dogs were out, because Quinn, for all his Zen, apparently turned into a bit of a lad in the presence of his peers. He lost his mind, you see. It was like hiring a very quiet accountant and finding out he moonlights as a drummer for a heavy metal band.

Arriving on location, some popular, grassy receptacle for dog-walkers, we had certainly beaten the rush, though to say we were "alone" would be stretching the truth until it snapped like an old rubber band. The K9 loving population, as I have observed countless times, are a committed, indeed fanatical, bunch who apparently operate under the deeply concerning motto: Sleep is for the Weak.

Now, when you spend a sufficient amount of time snapping pictures of our four-legged friends, you soon find that the process involves a series of ritualistic humiliations. It becomes depressingly normal to find yourself lying prostrate in something vaguely resembling mud, whilst making all manner of grotesque, high pitched noises, a sort of bizarre, middle aged mating call, all in the earnest pursuit of "getting the shot."

So it was, that in the middle of this perfectly routine spectacle, I experienced something of a first class shock. A kind-hearted soul, mistaking my utterly deliberate photographic manoeuvre for a catastrophic physical failure, rushed over with an expression of profound alarm. They were desperately trying to help this middle aged fool; (me) back onto his feet, convinced I had somehow taken a tumble and was perhaps moments away from needing serious medical intervention. My clients, naturally, enjoyed a delightful bit of unexpected spectator sport.

Having been suitably reassured that I was indeed physically fine, though almost certainly mentally unstable, a condition I managed to omit from the diagnosis, my Samaritan retreated to a safer, more sensible distance. Through this whole, embarrassing debacle, Quinn, the little Buddha himself, remained an utter professional, maintaining a sort of inner Zen that would have made the Dalai Lama weep with pride.

So, here is a helpful public service announcement for all you early risers: the next time you spot a gent of advancing years lying face down in a suspiciously damp patch of grass, do have a good look for an expensive looking camera nearby. If you spot one, there is a very good chance that he did it on purpose and that he is merely sacrificing his dignity to the cruel gods of light and aperture. Do not, I implore you, try to save him. It’s a job requirement. They really don't pay us enough!

Quinn the pug

A Morning Dip with River, the Aquatic Canine

It was one of those mornings when the sun seemed to have taken a personal affront to the very concept of moderation, determined to fry us all into a crisp, human-shaped fritter. My internal thermostat, never terribly reliable at the best of times, was already sputtering, threatening to turn me into something resembling a well-boiled lobster. Mercifully, a mutual agreement was struck with River's human companion: an ungodly early rendezvous, primarily to snatch what little decent light might be lurking about, and secondarily to prevent me from keeling over mid-shutter-click, an unedifying prospect for all concerned.

Now, River, a fine, strapping black Labrador, was indeed aptly named. "River" he was, and rivers, it turned out, were his passion, his very raison d'être. One might even say he was a connoisseur of currents, a savant of streams. A slight wrinkle in the grand plan, however, was River's particular medical issue, rendering camera flash a distinct no-no. This, naturally, elevated the pursuit of pristine natural light from a mere preference to an absolute, non-negotiable imperative.

My usual modus operandi with water-loving canines involves a preemptive land-based portrait session, a futile attempt to capture some semblance of dry dignity before the inevitable transformation into a soggy, four-legged mop. But despite the intoxicating gurgle and murmur of the nearby flowing water, River, bless his cotton socks, indulged us. He sat, he stayed, he even managed a few soulful gazes amidst the verdant ferns, all while the siren song of the river no doubt echoed in his very soul. Ten minutes, in human time, is but a blink; in dog-time, it's an eternity, a veritable eon of dutiful posing. River, however, bore it with the stoicism of a seasoned professional.

Then, inevitably, it was time for the main event. My own peculiar affliction, you see, dictates that I must, must, peer through the viewfinder. The fancy LCD screen, with all its modern conveniences, might as well be a blank piece of slate for all the use I get out of it. This rather antiquated foible means that, to achieve the desired aquatic masterpiece, I frequently find myself prostrate in the shallows, camera clutched precariously, as a jubilant, water-obsessed Black Lab, propelled by some unseen canine jet engine, hurtles directly towards me. The resulting geyser of spray and general aquatic chaos is, frankly, breathtaking.

Emerging from the embrace of the river, tastefully adorned with a liberal sprinkling of water, sand, and the occasional errant shell, it was genuinely difficult to ascertain who had derived more unadulterated joy from the exercise. Given the inevitable post-adventure car-cleaning ritual that awaited me, I daresay River ultimately emerged as the undisputed victor in the 'fun stakes'. But oh, what a glorious, messy, utterly Bryson-esque victory it was.